Be safe this holiday! But just in case....

I've been asked whether Russakow Ryan Johnson, APC, represents victims of fireworks injuries. We do, but try to make sure they're injuries caused by someone else's fireworks and not your own--that would make things significantly more difficult. The same advice goes for self-inflicted gun accidents.

Tough question

As a wise gnome who's been in the law business for a while now, I get some interesting questions, including the one below:

"My mother-in-law was cremated and my brother-in-law got mad and threw her ashes down a flight of stairs. Is there a law against that in California?"

The person sending this didn't say where he stood on the issue, but it being his mother-in-law, I suspect he's a cautious person (as we recommend) and wants to be sure he can join in the fun without being arrested. I have fond memories myself of playing rugby with my own mother-in-law's ashes, but that was Germany in 1974, and we all know it's completely different over there.

I found plenty of law to support the notion that funeral homes must treat remains with respect and any disposition of them with respect. Hey, they may be creepy people, but at least they'll respect your departed relatives, give you a creepy handshake and a tour of the unintentionally hilarious casket room--ask to see the "Big Bass" and "Fairway to Heaven" caskets.

But, it looks like mother-in-law is on her own once she gets passed back to her (loving) family. I don't know if it was cathartic for brother-in-law, but I hope it didn't damage the stairs. And if the urn spills open on the way down, will she (or her ashy self) haunt the stairs until she's re-urned? How about putting her in a Nerf ball so she can play touch football with the family? Inside a bowling ball?

I don't know mother-in-law, but from the events described, and from their describer, I'm guessing she and her kin were fans of the Jerry Springer Show, if not guests, and I think she'd be pleased with this re-enactment of the show--in my mind, it's a fitting tribute.

Stupid people

Thankfully, this is not someone I know or someone hiring our firm.

Makes me wonder what next in terms of ridiculous ways to try and make a buck.

This is an actual lawsuit:

A New York City woman has filed a $10 million federal lawsuit because she wasn't allowed to bring her dog on the subway. Estelle Stamm, 65, says that "Wargas," a 120-pound livestock guard dog, should be considered a "service animal" under the Americans With Disabilities Act, because without him she suffers panic attacks. City lawyers, however, cite web postings in which Stamm writes fondly of a previous dog's "tremendous killing power" and the way "the seas of people part before us" on crowded subways.

I can see the evolution of stupid lawsuits such as this one. Perhaps in the near future, we can allow a dog to get you a table at that restaurant, which won't take reservations less than three months away? I mean a 120 lb dog could be intimidating right?

Plastic surgery

I have often contemplated the idea of plastic surgery. Not to increase my stature mind you, although as stated in the past it would be great for me in court to have that advantage.

No...I always liked the idea of having bigger lips, smaller feet, stronger forehead and less bulbish nose. Daisy of course, loves me just the way I am (so she says). And now with getting older, signs of aging of the face such as jowls, wrinkly neck, sagging cheeks and lines in the forehead. Well actually, I have sorta looked like this from birth. BUT, there's no time like now for a change, right?

I don't know any male gnomes who have had plastic surgery, do you? I know a couple of female gnomes who had breast augmentation, but being under 2 feet tall....it sort of makes walking and standing upright a challenge.

Anyways, I started looking at male plastic surgery and found out about surgery for men. It appears that for men, common sites for liposuction include under the chin and around the waist, and in the reduction of enlarged male breasts, a condition known as gynecomastia. That is scary, sounds like a venereal disease.

Maybe I should just look into a little botox instead?

Vegetarian gnomes

Don't know many gnomes who are meat eaters, it would be pretty un-gnome like. I may eat BBQ'd gopher once in awhile, but that's it!

Most of us enjoy the "fruits" of our midnight labor. I am enjoying a sorbet I made on my own, it's a cross between green beans and lima beans with some chocolate chips thrown in; it has a sort of gritty texture....but man is it tasty!

Waiting for the kids I think are mine to come over to my hole (I know; I know the whole DNA test thing, but I prefer to believe they are the other fruits of my labor)... not sure what we'll be doing today, maybe get a pedicure, go visit grandma at the old gnome home or play around with some HOs (gotta teach em' young, ya know?)

Daisy and my kids don't get a long too well. My kids think she is using me; in fact VERY EARLY one morning Daisy woke up to find that her face was shaven. My oldest kid Mortimer had snuck in and shaved her beard while she slept. I thought she looked pretty HOT like that! But Daisy was pissed. She picked up one of "our" toys and chased him around the abode, screaming at him in a different language.

My son grabbed one of my beloved HOs, my vixen ho and whacked Daisy in the mouth with it--knocking out her dental dam, OUCH! Now Daisy, being an ex-member of the WWE (her name back then was Macho Man), knows how to wrestle. So it became an ugly scene, Daisy put him in a headlock, then an ankle pick and he was on the ground! My ex-wife was also there, she had just arrived to pick up the kids. And she ended it by her quick thinking. Thankfully, she had her usual bottle of Bud in hand that she had been sipping on; she took it and whacked Daisy over the head! If it wasn't for that quick thinking, my poor kid might not have gotten away without some form of brain damage.

Needless to say, I am not allowed to bring Daisy to any more family gatherings. We've snuck her into a few social events, like my Mom's birthday at the old gnome home. We just dressed HER in guy's clothing; believe me she had no problem passing for a guy friend of mine--she's such a good actor. Works like a charm!

Okay, I hear them pulling up now. Have a great week-end.

Magical Friday the 13th

One of my favorite days is Friday the 13th!

My other gnome friends always have a special party to celebrate this date. Herbert is my best "gnome" friend, and works in entertainment as a stripper. You can find him at http://www.dwarfentertainment.com/booking.html .... ANYWAYS, he is also someone with a great collection of HO's that we pull out for our Friday the 13th celebration.

Ya know, it was originally known to be a day of feminine strength and power. We celebrate it all with our HO's and definitely appreciate the feminine strength and power, just ask my Daisy. So, instead of dreading it...it is another way to celebrate in the garden.

I did found out recently that the fear of Friday the 13th is called Paraskevidekatriaphobia. Some people stay inside all day. Studies have shown that about 10% of Americans are afraid of it, but they have no idea why. Many hospitals have no room 13, some tall buildings have no 13th floor and some airline terminals omit Gate 13. (whatever)

Friday the 13th becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy to some people who find the date stressful; it is reported more automobile accidents happen on Friday the 13th. So, if you know of someone with a "Friday the 13th issue", they can always call Russakow, Ryan and Johnson if they need a good attorney to help them out! ;-)

Happy Friday the 13th!

What is up on HUMP day?

Well, as I sit here observing the hustle and bustle of traffic outside of my 10th floor window, I realize something sad. For me, being of short stature, I encounter issues other people practicing law do not normally run into.

What do I mean? Well, imagine defending your 6'2 client and the judge calls you to the bench (this happens numerous times in court)...and you cannot reach to hear the judge, see the judge or hand any evidence to the judge. You are screwed, it is embarrassing everytime. And usually opposing counsel make a stupid comment or two. What other practicing "Law-gnomes" have this issue?

The chairs in court are too tall, I have to bring my portable step with me everytime I go, and then end up standing on my chair, so I can see over the table or confer with my client during proceedings. It also sucks if the chair has an opening between the back and the seat, talk about slipping through the cracks!!!

We won't even get into cross-examinations....I speak well, but my size does not intimidate!

Although, sympathy from the jury does work well for me and I play that one as often as possible.

So......where are other gnomes who work in law? Do you know any? Let me know, I think we need to start a group and maybe some reforms can happen, so it is not just a continuation of business as usual!

Feel free to contact me here or at ron@rrjlaw.com or ronwestwater@ymail.com